“Whale Wars” detailed the efforts of a group of sea-hippies toothlessly trying to stop Japanese whaling efforts. Except now that Japan has suspended its whaling efforts, Animal Planet needs a new premise to film those ocean-faring hippies. Hence, a spin-off:

Tentatively titled The Faroe Islands Project, the show has the Sea Shepherds (including Capt. Paul Watson and Peter Hammarstedt) charting a course to the Danish Protectorate of the Faroe Islands, where there’s an annual hunt for pilot whales titled “The Grind.” In a practice going back to the first Norse settlements on the islands, an estimated 1,000 whales are corralled by local residents into the shallow coves to be killed. [EW]

What? “The Faroe Islands Project”? That’s a HUGE step down from “Whale Wars.” I could think of titles for “Whale Wars” spin-offs all day and never come up with something as dull as “The Faroe Islands Project.” Like “Man Vs Dolphin.” Or “Whale Hunting With the Stars.” “Project Blowhole.” “Jersey Shorca.” “So You Think You Can Echolocate.” “Big Blubber.” “America’s Next Top Narwhal.” “The Real Housewhales of Monterey Bay.” “License to Krill.” All these and more, this fall on the Whale Channel.

(thanks to Burnsy and Vince for helping with Whale Channel programming)

Whale Wars (Discovery, Friday) — Season premiere. With the hapless, ineffectual hippies returning, so too does one of my favorite Photoshops. If I could have one superpower, I’d want it to be the ability to make Photoshops come true.

MTV Movie Awards (MTV, Sunday) — Jason Sudeikis hosts the annual convention for young people screeching at the slightest mention of Twilight. Kristin Stewart is nominated for Best Kiss twice: once each with Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson. (I just voted for Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman out of principle.)

Next Food Network Star (Food Network, Sunday) — From the channel that brought you Rachel Ray, Guy Fieri, and that chick that looks like Guy Fieri. I’m sure the winner will be a tastefully subtle gourmand.

VH1 Storytellers: My Morning Jacket (VH1) — I’ve never totally fallen under their spell, but MMJ has a deserved reputation for being one of the best live bands on the planet.

Teen Wolf (MTV, Sunday) — Teen Wolf plays lacrosse now. The show debuts after the Movie Awards, but you can watch the first seven and a half minutes here.

The Ultimate Fighter (Spike, Saturday) — Season finale. If you’re an MMA fan, check out With Leather’s take on the Joe Rogan/Maggie Hendricks situation (aka “C*ntgate”).

The Real L Word (Showtime, Sunday) — Season premiere. Only one cast member returns from the inaugural season of “The Real Lesbians of L.A.” Can anyone confirm that the opening credits is a Scissor Sisters song?

Ice Road Truckers (History, Sunday) — Season premiere. One of the stars was arrested for allegedly beating his wife in front of his nine-year-old son — but not in front of cameras. And that’s why E! gets more viewers than History. There’s no chance any of the Kardashians will ever get punched off camera.

Hey, remember when the evil Japanese whaling ships sank the super-expensive high-tech speed boat that belonged to the “Whale Wars” crew? Well, according to a disgruntled former employee — the same one who attempted a citizen’s arrest on a Japanese boat in international waters — the ship was scuttled to make for better television.

Peter Bethune was captain of the hi-tech Ady Gil when its bow was shorn off in a collision with a Japanese whaler it was shadowing in January. It sank two days later, but Mr Bethune now alleges he was ordered to scuttle it by Sea Shepherd head Paul Watson…

Mr Bethune told New Zealand’s National Radio he believed Mr Watson wanted the sinking to “garner sympathy with the public and to create better TV”. [BBC]

Watson denies the claim, and the story certainly does have a certain whiff of cow excrement to it. But what impresses me most is the way these total pussies have made me sympathetic to Japanese whaling. I mean, I really like whales, and the industry is brutish and cruel and completely unnecessary in the 21st century. But if these fame-whoring douchebag hippies are against it, well… maybe those whales were askin’ for it.

Whale Wars (Animal Planet, Friday) — Season premiere. Oh, Whale Wars Photoshop, how I’d missed you.

Party Down (Starz, Friday) — Maybe I can watch this tonight since I finally have cable in my new apartment. Pretty awesome how I had to sit around here in the 11 o’clock to 2 o’clock window that Time Warner gave me, and the cable guy showed up at 1:55. Then he took 40 minutes to set things up and told me that the Internet wouldn’t work for another hour to hour and a half. Love you, Time Warner Cable. May an angry citizenry never stab your board of directors to death with pitchforks. And yes, that’s sarcasm. (watch episode preview below)

Sports — NHL Finals and NBA Finals. Check your local listings, since I don’t feel like doing it.

Flashpoint (CBS, Friday) — Season premiere. This is somehow the third season of a show about riot cops, and I only vaguely remember ever hearing about it before. But what is there to really know? It’s a CBS show about cops, your parents are gonna watch regardless.

America’s Most Wanted (Fox, Saturday) — This episode will feature a Little League coach charged with sex crimes against children. Time to turn your dad in.

Breaking Bad/Treme (AMC/HBO, Sunday) — I missed last Sunday’s episodes because of my move, so I don’t really have anything to add here except more bitching about how much this week sucked for me. Have a great weekend, next week should be a little smoother. I hope.

I appreciate that the Sea Shepherd society is devoted to stopping Japan’s whaling efforts. My only problem is that they do it in the gayest way possible for the exceedingly lame “Whale Wars.” And the most recent development in Sea Shepherd’s game of cat-and-super-gay-mouse with Japanese whalers is possibly the most ridiculous yet:

At 0630 Hours, Sea Shepherd Captain Peter Bethune of the vessel Ady Gil, which was sunk by the Japanese security ship Shonan Maru 2, boarded the whaling ship to conduct a citizen’s arrest of the skipper of the Shonan Maru 2.

Captain Bethune boarded the whaling ship under cover of darkness from a Jet Ski as the Shonan Maru 2 was traveling at 14 knots in the Southern Ocean… At 0800 Hours, once the sun had risen, Bethune calmly knocked on the bridge wing door, entered the wheelhouse, and presented himself to the Captain of Shonan Maru 2 where he informed the skipper that he was under arrest for the sinking of the Sea Shepherd ship Ady Gil on January 6th, 2010 [video of that here - Ed.].

All radio communications with Peter Bethune ceased at 0805. The Shonan Maru 2 did acknowledge that Bethune was onboard.

I admit, it was kinda metal to sneak onto a moving ship under the cover night via jetski in antarctic waters. But that cloak-and-dagger stuff is only cool if you follow through by knifing a bunch of henchmen and dropping a pipe bomb in the engine room. Instead, Bethune walked onto the bridge and was all, “I place you under citizen’s arrest. On your own boat. Umm… hello? Does anyone here speak English?”

Sad news today. Phil Harris, who captained the Cornelia Marie on Discovery’s “Deadliest Catch,” has passed away at the age of 53, two weeks after he suffered a stroke. Harris’s condition had improved in recent days until he took a turn for the worse. TMZ brings us this unfortunate quote:

Harris was hospitalized a few weeks ago after suffering a stroke while unloading crabs.

Jake and Josh Harris, the sons who are also featured on “Deadliest Catch,” released this statement:

It is with great sadness that we say goodbye to our dad — Captain Phil Harris. Dad has always been a fighter and continued to be until the end. For us and the crew, he was someone who never backed down. We will remember and celebrate that strength. Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers. [via THR]

Notably, Harris should NOT be confused with Paul Watson from “Whale Wars,” the fat, white-haired captain that “South Park” skewered in last season’s “Whale Whores” episode. Which is too bad. If Watson had died I could have recommended “Poker Face” for his funeral.

Less than a month after the “Whale Wars” crew claimed it was followed illegally into French Antarctic waters by Japanese whalers, a collision between the two factions’ ships has destroyed a high-tech speed boat owned by the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society. And best of all… there’s video! Hooray!

In the clip below that was released by Japan’s Shonan Maru, you can clearly see the high-power water cannons used by the Japanese crew (and I think you can hear the LRAD sound weapon underneath the AP voiceover) before the two vessels collide, destroying the hull of the speedboat (pictured) and injuring one of the crew. Suck on that, hippies.

Not that I’m sympathetic to Japanese whalers. Or any whalers, for that matter. In fact, I’d much prefer it if the whaling ship got damaged. But I can’t cheer for the so-called “pirates” until they take up some real pirating. I’m talking about AK-47s, hostile takeovers, and Exocet missiles.  But if they need to start a little smaller, I’d settle for some rum and butt sex.

The Sea Shepherd, the conservation society that stars in Animal Planet’s “Whale Wars,” said that its boat (the Steve Irwin) was followed and attacked by a Japanese ship called the Shonan Maru No 2. According to a Sea Shepherd spokeswoman said that the Shonan Maru followed the Steve Irwin into French waters without permission from the French, and that’s when the NONVIOLENT ACTS OF AGGRESSION WENT DOWN!

The spokeswoman said the Steve Irwin helicopter then flew back to film the Shonan Maru in its pursuit.  “In response, the crew of the Japanese ship activated their Long Range Acoustical Device (LRAD) at the Sea Shepherd helicopter,” she said. “LRAD is a military class weapon.” [Eh, yes and no. -Ed.] [...]

The Sea Shepherd helicopter returned to the Steve Irwin for safety, at which point the Shonan Maru increased speed and aimed their water canons at the helicopter on the landing pad, the spokeswoman said.

Steve Irwin Captain Paul Watson said the situation was now very dangerous.  “We have deliberately led the Japanese ship into thick ice in order to lose them in the ice,” he said. “The icebergs could easily damage either vessel.”

Wow, water cannons and sound waves! It’s like watching two amateur MMA fighters get into a pillow fight! “Watch out, that’s goose down!”

Sorry, as much as I’m against A-hole Japanese whalers, I can’t help but agree with the “South Park” episode that called out the Sea Shepherd for being pussies. Pro-nature groups would be a lot more effective if they were more committed to violence. Someone needs to put the fist into pacifist.

What ‘Whale Wars’ SHOULD Be. The exploding whale, one of my favorite viral videos, turns forty years old in 2010. Asylum tracked down the reporter from the video and interviewed him. [Asylum]

Whoa, MAD Magazine still exists! Sarah Palin is “Blunder Woman” in the newest issue. Dammit, did they really have to make her so sexy? [Comics Alliance]

But no Michael Chiklis, sadly. “Lie to Me” will reunite most of the cast of “The Shield.” [Ausiello]

Mystery Nazi Twins! On Saturday night, Nat Geo will air a special about Joseph Mangele, an escaped Nazi war criminal whose “obsession to engineer an Aryan master race continued [after WWII], and that succeeded while he was on the run in South America. Deep in the Brazilian outback in a tiny town among the 80 households in a one-square-mile area are reportedly some 38 pairs of twins. Blond, blue-eyed twins.” Sweet! [Nat Geo via boing boing]

Finally, a website dedicated to ‘The Simpsons.’ Bart’s Blackboard is home to all 400+ opening-credit blackboard gags from “The Simpsons.” Not bad, but I still prefer Eye on Springfield. [Urlesque]

As the Internet’s leading provider of “Whale Wars”-themed Photoshops, it is my duty to inform you that tomorrow’s episode of “South Park” will spoof the popular Animal Planet series.

In the episode titled “Whale Whores,” premiering at 10 p.m. on Wednesday, Stan and his family are spending his birthday at the Denver Aquarium, where they will get to swim with the dolphins, but the fun turns bloody when the Japanese attack, kill all the dolphins and ruin Stan’s big day. In return, Stan takes on the cause to save the dolphins from the Japanese. [source]

Oh man. I’m not a die-hard “South Park” fan but I’ve got a feeling this’ll be a good one. Dolphin massacre, cheap racial stereotypes, and young boys. It’s everything that turns your dad on.