Project Runway (Lifetime) — It sucks that this season was on Lifetime and outdated and irrelevant, because it’s nice to see a final trio composed completely of not-unattractive women, with nary a bitchy flamboyant gay man in sight. Pictured L-R: sexy Irina, occasionally kinda cute Carol Hannah, and she-has-her-moments Althea.
WWII in HD (History) — The final night. I’m now two nights behind thanks to illness and dabbling with a social life for one night, plus I’m going to have to shuffle some things around on my DVR to make sure this records. Why is watching TV so stressful?!?!?
The same Thursday comedies I always watch (NBC, FX) — 8-10 p.m. at NBC, 10-11 at FX. You’re either with me or against me.
CSI: Original Flavor (CBS) — There’s a murder at a bowling tournament. People go bowling in Vegas? How come every week isn’t about another dead hooker?
Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) — I saw something about this going on a two-month hiatus in the middle of its season. I didn’t actually read the item because it was about “Grey’s Anatomy,” but any news about less of this show is good news.
Family Armor (TLC) — A reality show about two Texas brothers who run a business making bulletproof vehicles. TLC scores some points for moving away from its “21st century freak show” programming, but none whatsoever for “remotely interesting idea.”
Nightline (ABC) — In-depth interview with Martha Stewart in which she gets catty towards Rachael Ray. Big whoop.
Aw, don’t waste ‘em on the fruits!
Modern Family (ABC) — In his first appearance on primetime TV (save a voice role on “The Simpsons”), Edward Norton guest stars as the bassist for Spandau Ballet. I saw a preview clip, and let me just say: beware of the mullet. Also appearing tonight: Elizabeth Banks (pictured) as Mitchell and Cameron’s wild girlfriend. RAWR! More pictures of Banks in tonight’s episode here.
South Park (Comedy Central) — Season 13 finale. Whoa, the season’s over already? I feel like it just started.
Glee (Fox) — In tonight’s episode, Jane Lynch is hilarious, some people in relationships tell unrealistic lies, and there’s more gay stuff than in a West Village locker room.
America’s Next Top Model (CW) — Season finale. I hope the short girl that wins this season invests her prize money, because it’ll be the last she ever works as a runway model.
Extreme Obesity: A Big Medicine Special (Discovery Health) — People who have undergone gastric bypass surgery discuss consequences like eating disorders and drug addiction. Also an option: regular exercise starting at a young age.
Top Chef (Bravo) — It’s been apparent since about the third week that the fat dude with the beard is gonna win, and the two brothers will get second and third — then murder each other.
Note: For anyone who was disappointed by the lack of “Sons of Anarchy” discussion today, I apologize. I agree: it was a freaking amazing episode. To scratch your SAMCRO itch, check out Alan Sepinwall’s recap. Also, for no other reason than it made me laugh, I present you with Cats 4 Gold.
V (ABC) — I said I was going to watch this last week, then I forgot again. I felt kinda bad about not giving this show a chance until Michael from 5 Second Films sent in the screen cap above. Who’s responsible for parking the handicapped guy on some steps without wheelchair access?
Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Alicia Keys performs on the results show. Freakishly youthful retard Donny Osmond finished last in the judges voting last night, but the Mormons will probably vote as a bloc to keep him from being eliminated from the final four.
The Biggest Loser (NBC) –Tim Gunn shows up to help out with makeovers. We’re gonna need some more vertical stripes over here.
WWII in HD (History) — Night #3. How’s everyone liking this so far? I dig it, but it’s hard for me to make it through two hours of TV when I’m sick. I’ve taken six naps in the last two days, I can’t lie down on the couch without falling asleep within 15 minutes.
Sons of Anarchy (FX) — Dude. Last week’s episode. Show of hands: who cried?
Melrose Place (CW) — This is the episode where Heather Locklear returns as Amanda Woodward. Honestly, industry people have been talking about it for so damn long that I figured it had already happened, but apparently not. Promo below.
Two and a Half Men (CBS) — Tricia Helfer of “Battlestar Galactica” guest stars. Mmmmm… Tricia Helfer.
Chef Academy (Bravo) — Series premiere. I spent some time reading reviews of this, and all of them seemed pretty lukewarm. But if you like handsome chefs with French accents, this is the crappy reality show for you.
CSI: Miami (CBS) — L.A. Laker Pau Gasol guest stars as a tall guy. “If we’re gonna solve this case, we may have to put in some… long hours.” YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
The Soup Presents: Ladies, Ladies, Ladies (E!) — All the crazy women from “The View” to reality TV. I have no idea how this is only 30 minutes long.
Monday Night Football (ESPN) — Ravens at Browns. No live-blog tonight. This game sucks way too hard.
The Prisoner (AMC) — Night #2 — I think — of the three-night miniseries. I read some bad reviews and decided to focus my effort on watching “WWII in HD” instead.
Gossip Girl (CW) — In a move that enthralls the world of gays and teenage girls, Lady Gaga performs on tonight’s episode. Watch a clip below.
Community (NBC) — The latest in the show’s series of WIN include online videos for the full version of “Gettin’ Rid of Britta” and the Community College Chronicles, a student film directed by Abed that reenacts episodes of “Community” with different actors. It’s kind of brilliant.
Bones (Fox) — When I was a kid we gave our dogs Bonz. Anyone else remember those? (By the way, tonight’s episode involves the death of a little person, so it can’t be all bad.)
Project Runway (Lifetime) — Season finale. Whoa, already? Time flies when you’re not paying attention.
The Jeff Dunham Show (Comedy Central) — Well, if this show’s going to be a miserable success, the least it can do is provide some solid lead-in numbers for “Tosh.0″
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX) — Mac and Dennis break up; Dee loses her cat. If you’ve seen the promo for this episode, all it takes is Charlie saying, “Cat in the wall, eh?” to make me burst into laughter.
The Jay Leno Show (NBC) — Penelope Cruz is a guest. Damn, that’s nearly enough to make me tune in. That woman could give a dead guy a boner. A stiff stiffy. Later: Al Gore is on Conan.
Top Chef (Bravo) — Nigella Lawson is the guest judge. This week’s challenge is making breakfast in bed for Nigella and Padma Lakshmi, and I think I just came. There’s no way the show can live up to what I’ve already imagined.
Glee (Fox) — It’s back after its World Series hiatus. Speaking of which, I saw an adorable little girl chanting, “Mets drool, Yankees rule! Mets drool, Yankees rule!” today in my neighborhood. Pretty cute for evil demon spawn.
South Park (Comedy Central) — Not much to say here, except that Trey Parker and Matt Stone deserve props for a terrific season so far. It’s great to see the show keep its edge.
CSI:NY (CBS) — Part 2 of the crossover trilogy. Hooray for sweeps week.
Flowers Uncut with Jeff Leathem (TLC) — A reality show about “rock n’ roll florist” Jeff Leathem. That has to be the single gayest nickname/title I’ve ever seen. And I mean both kinds of gay. Homosexual and stupid.
Secret Girlfriend (Comedy Central) — Season finale. I hate to admit it, but I find this show kind of watchable. Like, I’m not going to DVR it, and I’m not saying that it’s good, but if it’s on it holds my attention. And you should know that my attention span is it cold in here, or is it just me?
43rd Annual Country Music Awards (ABC) — Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood host. There’s a long list of performers that includes Underwood, Taylor Swift, Kid Rock, Kenny Chesney, Dave Matthews, Daughtry, and a bunch of other white people I haven’t heard of.
