Hip Hop Squares (MTV2) – “Hip Hop Squares” debuts at 11 tonight. I discussed how excited I am about this show a few weeks ago, and that excitement has not tapered off one iota. Especially since MTV has been doing things like posting videos on their website of Ghostface Killah and Fat Joe touring the set. This is exactly how you promote a television show. (Video after the jump.)

American Idol (FOX) – Part one of the two-part finale. I know we haven’t talked a lot about “American Idol” around here, but you guys are aware that one of the finalists is named Phillip Phillips, right? I know I’m prone to fits of hyperbole, but that might be the single dumbest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard.

Glee (FOX) – The students graduate in the Season 3 finale. I don’t really have much to say about “Glee,” so I’d just like to take this opportunity to tell you that I’ve had that “Call Me Maybe” song stuck in my head for five whole days.

Dancing With the Stars (ABC) – Part two of the finale. Hey, I just met you, and this is CRAZY, but here’s my number, so call me maybe. And all the other boys try to chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase me, but here’s my number so call me mayb-[eats an entire bucket of cyanide]

Deadliest Catch/The Devil’s Ride (Discovery) – Tonight’s episode of “Deadliest Catch” is titled “I Don’t Wanna Die.” I have chosen to believe this is a reference to “Tha Crossroads.”

River Monsters: Unhooked/River Monsters: Killer Weapons (Animal Planet) – The human race should have stopped trifling with nature the instant we invented cable television. It’s terrifying out there.

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House (FOX) – Series finale. There’s an hour-long retrospective with cast interviews and such at 8 p.m., and then the final episode of the long-running medical drama airs at 9. If the people in charge of this show have any kind of sense of humor at all, the whole hour will just be House diagnosing patients with lupus over and over until the credits roll. (Here’s an oral history of the show, if that’s something you’re interested in.)

Dancing With the Stars (ABC) – Part 1 of the two-part season finale. According to my research, the finalists include two people named William Levy and Katherine Jenkins, as well as Green Bay Packers wide receiver Donald Driver. I am a great TV blogger.

The Bachelorette (ABC) – I prefer “The Bachelor” to “The Bachelorette” because the female contestants are typically much more fun (read: nutso), but there’s a “watching animals at the zoo” quality to the male contestants that is also pretty enjoyable. One day two bros are literally going to smash their heads together like rams to try to score points with the girl on the show. I guarantee it.

Clash of the Commercials: USA vs. The World (CBS) – Just to be clear: this is a show full of commercials, with even more commercials during the breaks. It is a full hour of non-stop, unadulterated advertising. Somewhere in fictional TV heaven, Don Draper and Roger Sterling are drinking brown liquor, looking down, and smiling.

American Ninja Warrior (NBC) – The most disappointing part of this show for me is the fact that we made it through all of the ’80s and ’90s without using this title for some crappy Dolph Lundren or Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. A real wasted opportunity.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kathy Griffin and the new Bachelorette (Emily Maynard) on Kimmel; Lea Michelle and Barry Sonnefeld on Letterman; Jeffrey Dean Morgan on Ferguson; Kevin Costner and Bailee Madison are on Leno, with a performance by Lisa Marie Presley; John Lithgow and Miranda Cosgrove are on Fallon; and Elizabeth Banks, Timothy Olyphant, and John Mulaney are on a repeat of Conan.

As you know, Human Beings, “Community” is airing three episodes tonight at 8, 9, and 9:30 p.m., the last of which is the third season finale. At the top of the screen, you’ll see a ticker for our “Community Season Finale Live Discussion.” Click that baby, and you’ll enter a magical land of gratuitous Greendale references.

But that’s not all! We’ve somehow wrangled two special guests:

-Steve Basilone, who co-wrote (with his writing partner Annie Mebane) “Regional Holiday Music,” a.k.a. the Annie Santa Dance episode, and also tonight’s finale, “Introduction to Finality.” If you’ve got any questions about the writers’ room or working with Dan Harmon, now’s your chance to ask ‘em.

-The Dean himself, Jim Rash! DEAN DEAN DEAN! We’re just as excited as you are. I mean, we’re talking about an Oscar winner here, folks. The outfits, the songs, the Dalmatians, the feelings for Jeff – question him on whatever you want, but remember: begin everything with @jimrash.

Here’s the schedule:

7:30 p.m. EST – Steve Basilone (recommended: general “Community” questions)
9-10 p.m. EST – Jim Rash (recommended: ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING)
10 p.m. EST – Steve Basilone (recommended: questions about the season finale)

Don’t keep it on the Dean-Low. Tell everyone you know to join the live chat tonight. It’s gonna be fun.

Criminal Minds (CBS) — I’m happy that Paget Brewster is leaving “Criminal Minds” because I like Paget Brewser, and I don’t like “Criminal Minds.” Now that she’s unemployed, I could use someone to sit next to me and whisper encouraging things into my ear while I blog all day long. I think Paget Brewster would be a really good candidate for that position.

Suburgatory (ABC) — I hit a point every year, around March or April, when I decide I just can’t watch anymore shows that I don’t absolutely love simply for the sake of watching them. “Suburgatory” fell under that category this year, although I hope to catch up over the summer. I don’t know if Tessa’s mother will be revealed during tonight’s season finale, but they’ll definitely dance around it.

Manny is the Worst (ABC) — Whatever happened to the pseudo-incest thread running between Manny and Haley? Did they dismiss that once the show got popular so as to avoid any sort of “Arrested Development” curse?

Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23 (ABC) — The TVLine description of tonight’s episode: “Chloe’s sex life catches up to her when her sex tape with James leaks, putting his Dancing With the Stars popularity in jeopardy.” Sold!

Law & Order SVU: In tonight’s episode, the cops delve into a world of “self-mutilation and ritual amputation.” So, severed limb party with Ice-T. Sounds like a band name.

LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Betty White is on Dave, Joel McHale is on Leno, Michael Clark Duncan is on Ferguson, Fallon has Taylor Kitsch, and Kimmel has Rita Wilson for some reason.

Cougar Town (ABC) – Tonight’s back-to-back episodes feature a sexy contest between Ellie and Laurie, and Little Stan getting his hands on Big Carl. Completely stripped of context, that sentence makes this show sound like some sort of late-night pay cable series. It’s already got the title.

Glee (FOX) – Double episode. I am only mentioning this because this is the episode where Lindsay Lohan is guest-starring as a judge, and I feel like that is the kind of thing I’m supposed to mention on a blog ostensibly dedicated to television.

NCIS/NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) – Season finales of both, double dose of “NCIS: Los Angeles.” I wonder what people in 1992 would say if you went back there and told them that LL Cool J and Chris O’Donnell would star in a cop show together one day. Probably “Turn over the time machine or I’ll blow your head off!” That’s what I would have said.

Private Practice (ABC) – Season finale. This is a show about a lady who is a doctor. That represents all of the things I know for sure about “Private Practice.”

America’s Got Talent/Fashion Star (NBC) – Auditions take place in San Francisco. I heard Vince showed up and spun a basketball on his ding-dong for 45 uninterrupted minutes and the judges just ended the show and gave him the grand prize on the spot. TUNE IN TO FIND OUT!

Breaking the Magician’s Code (BIO) – SPOILER ALERT: IT’S NOT REAL. FAKE. ALL OF IT.

The Weight of the Nation (HBO) – This is a special about fat people in America. In a related story, I just found out Edy’s makes Samoa ice cream, so I am going to buy as much of that as possible and put it in my big fat face. USA! USA! USA!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Brian Williams on Letterman; Ferguson goes to Scotland with Rashida Jones (JEALOUS); Wanda Sykes and Hasselhoff are on Leno; Mariska Hargitay, Nick DiPaolo, and Tenacious D on Fallon; and Bill Maher, Greg Allman, and comedian Hannibal Buress are on Conan.