Archer (FX) – You guys know the deal. It’s Thursday, which means: “ARCHER” NIGHT. Tonight’s special guest on the Uproxx live blog is Casey Willis, who is not a female (boo) but an “Archer” producer (yay) who wrote the lyrics to and performed “Mulatto Butts” (million yays). He’s also worked on “Xtacles” and “Frisky Dingo,” meaning he’s more talented than you. Be there at 10 p.m. EST.

30 Rock /The Office/Up All Night (NBC) – Hour-long “30 Rock” tonight means the return of James Marsden as hot dog truck-driver Criss and the introduction of Jack’s mother-in-law, played by Mary Steenburgen, who looks better at 59 than most people do at 23. Dwight has a “special project” in Tallahassee on “The Office,” and Will Arnett continues to sing the praises of Brendan Shanahan on “Up All Night.” Lol, hockey.

El Talismán (Univision) – This telenovela has recently beaten NBC and CW programs in the 18-49 demographic on Thursday nights, and it’s supposed to be awesome. I mean, it’s called “El Talismán,” which Google Translate tells me means “The Talisman” in English. Nice. I’m going to watch tonight and see whether it’s as great as “El Amor Prohibido.” I assume it will be.

Rob (CBS) – “Rob Learns Spanish.” Or maybe I’ll just watch this instead.

Party Like (National Geographic) – This series teaches us what it’s like to party as various rulers throughout history, including tonight’s “Roman Emperor Elagabalus [who] became known as an outrageous party animal.” According to Wikipedia, Elagabalus was married five times, slept with his male chariot driver who was a slave, prostituted himself in brothels, used an early “prototype of the whoopee cushion at dinner parties,” and was assassinated at the age of 18. Like a rock star.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Nicholas Cage on Letterman; Denzel Washington and Octavia Spencer on Leno; Courtney Cox and various New York Giants on Kimmel; Lisa Kudrow and Weird Al on Ferguson; Zooey Deschanel, Chris Hardwick, and Primus on Fallon; and Carol Burnett and Jon Glaser on Conan.

The Middle/Suburgatory/Modern Family/Happy Endings (ABC) – Based on nothing but the preview photos on the “Happy Endings” website, it looks like Max steals a limo and Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) gets busted for prostitution. Sheesh, ABC. That’s dark. (NOTE: All but “Modern Family” are Valentine’s Day episodes. I assume this will result in all the single viewers sitting at home in pajamas and crying into a tub of cookie dough ice cream. I’ve seen a bunch of rom-coms.)

Person to Person (CBS) – The old Edward R. Murrow interview show is getting rebooted, with tonight’s episode featuring George Clooney and Jon Bon Jovi giving tours of their homes. How fantastic! [sells plasma to cover student loan payment]

Revenge (ABC) – How can you call your show “Revenge” and not give anyone a sword? All good revenges have swords. That’s, like, Revenge 101.

Whitney/Are You There Chelsea/American Idol (NBC, FOX) – NO.

Hillbilly Handfishin’ (Animal Planet) – From TV Guide: “A couple from Baltimore hopes a fishing adventure can save their marriage.” Read that sentence a few times to let it sink in. Really let the whole thing wash over you.

Top Chef: Texas (Bravo) – Every episode of this season should have been very fat men in overalls cooking barbecue. There you go, I fixed it. Where do I get my check? Wait, scrap that. Pay me in barbecue. Bring the truck out back.

Royal Pains (USA) – The brother on this show might be the most annoying character on television. “Oh, what, you’re trying to save someone’s life? WHAT ABOUT ME AND MY DUMB IDEAS?” I hope he gets eaten by a shark.

American Greed (CNBC) – Tonight’s episode focuses on Ponzi schemer and University of Miami booster Nevin Shapiro. The narrator of this show, Stacy Keach, makes everything sound so deliciously evil. He could make the Muppets seems like deviant sex murderers.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Josh Hutcherson and Nathan Fillion on Kimmel; Ryan Reynolds and Ellie Kemper on Letterman; Christina Applegate on Ferguson; Chris Pine and Lisa Lampanelli on Poopy McShowstealer; Vanessa Hudgens on Fallon; and Martin Short and Jon Bernthal on Conan.

Southland (TNT) — I know we’re all about “Justified” here on WarmingGlow, and for good reason, but I thought we’d give some header love to “Southland,” which is probably the best television drama you’re not watching. It’s a slice-of-life cop drama, the anti-procedural, and it’s brilliant and dark and Regina King is television’s most unsung actress. Start from the beginning or jump in tonight. Whatever you do, find it. It’s outstanding.

Justified (FX) — Tonight’s episode is more episodic than serial in nature, as Raylan tracks down two prisoners on the run while Boyd turns on someone in the inner circle. Check back tomorrow for Danger’s discussion post, and maybe Jon Worley will drop by again and tell you how all your hunches are wrong.

Parenthood (NBC) — Another fantastic, underappreciated drama, this one from Jason Katims, who also brought us “Friday Nights” (which explains why a lot of the actors who have appeared in both). Peter Krause directed tonight’s episode, so it will probably be double heart-warming. Bring tissues, fellas.

The River (ABC) — Two-hour series premiere. This is a thriller about a trip to the Amazon river to find a missing adventurer. It was either pushed back to mid-season because it’s not very good, or because it’s great and doesn’t appeal to a large audience. I personally hope it’s the former because my Tuesday doesn’t need another hour-long drama. Reviews so far, however, have been positive.

The New Girl (FOX) — I think we should all start mis-using the term “Adorkable,” applying it only to decidedly masculine things. Hopefully, by May we can mangle it so badly that it’s eradicated from our cultural lexicon.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Letterman has Denzel and The Fray, which was a band manufactured by trailer editors to create music for sappy films. Leno has Chelsea Handler (two reasons not to watch!), Damon Wayans, Jr. and Michelle Williams are on Kimmel, Ferguson has Kenneth Branaugh, and Fallon has on The Cranberries. I heard their new song on the radio the other day and I thought I fell into a wormhole that took me back to 1992.

Smash (NBC) – Series premiere. As all six loyal NBC viewers can attest, the network has been pushing the mess out of this musical drama. I have made an executive decision that I will watch this show. I have also made an executive decision that Katharine McPhee is very, very pretty (see inset, part of this new GQ profile).

How I Met Your Mother/2 Broke Girls/Two and a Half Men/Mike & Molly (CBS) – The two worst shows in CBS’s Monday night lineup have the number two in them. “Number two” also means poop. I am very perceptive.

Alcatraz (FOX) – Did they ever catch that dinosaur in “Lost”? If I ever caught a dinosaur, I would name him Ozzie.

The Bachelor (ABC) – Apparently Whatshisnose has a date with one girl on a deserted island tonight. I bet he gets lucky. You know, because of “the implication.” Also because these girls seem pretty easy.

Pretty Little Liars/The Lying Game (ABC Family) – “ABC Family, the worldwide leader in dishonesty-based programming.”

Gossip Girl/Hart of Dixie (CW) – As far as I can tell, every male character on “Gossip Girl” is pretty much just Oliver from “The O.C.” And when I say “As far as I can tell,” what I mean is “Based almost entirely on snippets of conversations I’ve overheard while navigating Old Navy.”

Finding Bigfoot (Animal Planet) – SPOILER ALERT: No dice.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: LL Cool J and Pitbull on Kimmel; Sarah Michelle Gellar on Letterman; Mark Harmon and Martha Plimpton on Ferguson; The Rock on Fartface McGee; Kristen Bell and Bret McKenzie (Flight of the Concords) on Conan

Picture of the current "Archer" staff, courtesy of Matt Thompson. He's the Mountie.

Archer (FX, 10 p.m. EST) – Matt Thompson co-created “Sealab 2021” and “Frisky Dingo” and has written episodes of “Space Ghost: Coast to Coast” and “Archer” (which he also produces), and tonight he’ll be joining the “Archer” live blog at Uproxx at 10 p.m. EST. (HE WROTE “SKYTANTIC.”) So now’s your chance to ask the questions you’ve always wanted to, like, “Do you know Aisha Tyler’s phone number and address?” and follow-up question, “Can I get Aisha Tyler’s phone number and address?”

30 Rock/Parks and Recreation/The Office/Up All Night (NBC, 8-10 p.m.) – In order: Liz and Jack feud over her contract; Leslie tries to assist Ann in finding a Valentine’s Day date; Jim returns to the office from jury duty; and Reagan puts Baby Amy up for adoption because she needs quick cash for her heroin addiction.

Unsupervised (FX, 10:30 p.m.) – J/K, that “Up All Night” description isn’t real; I was just seeing if you were paying attention, and I can’t think of anything to say about “Unsupervised.”

Delocated (Cartoon Network, midnight) – I only recently got into this show, and it’s fantastic. There are few things in life funnier than Jon Glaser discussing the Bone Zone while wearing a ski mask and using a voice modulator. It’s been scientifically proven.

Groundhog Day/Beer for My Horses (CMT, 11 p.m.) – If you really need to watch something between “Unsurpervised” and “Delocated,” you can check out the last 30 minutes of Groundhog’s Day and the first 30 minutes of Beer for My Horses. One’s about a rodent, the other stars a guy who shoots rodents.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Woody Harrelson, Stephen Merchant, and Lana Del Rey on Letterman; Drew Barrymore on Leno; Gary Oldman, Tim & Eric, and Korn on Kimmel (great lineup, or greatest lineup?); ‘ARRY POTTAH on Ferguson; Taylor Lautner, Adam Levine, Nas, and Drew Brees on Fallon; John Krasinski and Jenny Slate on Conan; David Agus on Stewart; and Christiane Amanpour on Colbert. Yes, THE Christiane Amanpour.

Here is a picture of a Jack Russell Terrier with a “[penis] on his back.” Don’t worry, it’s adorable.

(Via)

Michelle, if you're reading this, just know that I never hated Dawn.

Gossip Girl (CW) – My fiancée watches “Gossip Girl” (necessary disclaimer), and every season of the show is more nonsensical than the last. Meaning, it’s a Josh Schwartz series. Tonight, Leighton Meester gets married to a prince. Why? I have no idea. Prince of what? No clue. Is Michelle Trachtenberg involved? YES.

RuPaul’s Drag Race (Logo) – I’ve heard this is the greatest reality show ever (which is a bit like having the world’s smallest large-screen TV, to steal a line from Hank Azaria), from people who otherwise hate reality shows. On a dull Monday night, “Drag Race” might be your best option. I owe RuPaul as much, considering he was the first drag queen I ever knew by name and that’s not something you forget. Thanks, Brady Bunch Movie.

Fear Factor (NBC) – If I was working on a computer that didn’t track my online searches, I’d look into how many times the phrase “donkey semen” was Google’d last week, compared to any other week ever. You’d assume there’d be a major increase, but there are a lot of Germans out there, so who knows.

Fashion Police (E!) – Doesn’t it seem like Giuliana Rancic has been on E! for roughly 46 years now?

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (Food Network) – Our favorite bleach-blonde, greasy walrus makes “deep fried pork chops with sweet and spicy pepper jelly,” which is also how Guy likes his women.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jennifer Lopez and Rob Schneider on Letterman; Madonna, Chris Colfer, and Joe Perry on Leno; Marc Maron and Fishbone on Kimmel; Don Cheadle and Andrea Riseborough on Ferguson; Glenn Close, Emma Rossum, and Nada Surf on Fallon; Maya Rudolph and Chris Gethard on Conan; Lou Dobbs on Stewart; and Laurence H. Tribe on Colbert.

Parks and Recreation (NBC) – The Pawnee gang goes bowling. I feel like every sitcom has a bowling episode at some point. Sometimes they suck, like “Life on the Fast Lane,” but other times they’re a series high point, like the what-if “Bowling” episode of “Malcolm in the Middle.”

Archer (FX) – Malory institutes an ISIS drug-testing policy, and Archer and Lana welcome brand spankin’ new field agent Cyril (poor Gillette) to the jungle. Don’t forget to check out Uproxx’s “Archer” live blog at 10 p.m. EST. Will Kenny Loggins himself be there? I’m not saying he will…because he won’t. But we will!

30 Rock (NBC) – “Oh no, there’s two episodes of 30 Rock on tonight. What about The Office?” says no one.

Inside Comedy (Showtime) – Season premiere. If you liked HBO’s “Talking Funny,” which had Ricky Gervais, Jerry Seinfeld, Louis C.K., and Chris Rock talking about comedy, you’ll probably enjoy Showtime’s “Inside Comedy.” Host David Steinberg interviews Larry David, Mel Brooks, and some people who aren’t Jewish, and hopefully someone points out that “Nurse Jackie” and “The Big C” aren’t comedies.

Friday Night Lights (ESPN Classic) – “The Son.” Not new, but watch it and cry. Every chance you get.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Andre Agassi, J.B. Smoove, and Seal on Kimmel; Cuba Gooding Jr., Jon Heder, and They Might Be Giants on Conan; Tilda Swinton on Stewart; and Drew Barrymore (ew) on Colbert.

Justified (FX) – Carla Gugino is on tonight’s episode. After the events of last week, please be advised that the Boyd Crowder Hair Threat Level has been temporarily upgraded from Unruly to Partial Electrocution. (NOTE: I have attached six more promo shots of Carla Gugino’s appearance to this post. You are all quite welcome.)

State of the Union Address (Every channel) – Presidents always invite inspirational figures or people who overcame adversity and have them sit up in the box with the First Lady. If I was president, I would put a koala in a little tiny tuxedo up there. YOUR MOVE, POLITICAL OPPONENTS.

Southland (TNT) – Tonight’s episode features a guest spot by Marla Gibbs, who played Florence on “The Jeffersons.” This is as good a reason as any to link to this video of Sherman Hemsley dancing.

Chopped (Food Network) – Four previous runners-up have to incorporate root beer schnapps and sweetbreads into their dishes. FUN FACT: I am typing this sentence while making my icky face.

White Collar (USA) – Yesterday was Tiffani Thiessen’s birthday. I can’t believe Uproxx made me work. WHAT DO WE WANT? Holidays based on the birthdays of celebrities we used to have crushes on! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Preferably by Britney Spears’ birthday in early December!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Elizabeth Banks and Ben McKenzie (Ryan from “The O.C.”) on Kimmel, and Sam Worthington and a whip-cracking champion named Adam Winrich on Conan. Everyone else is in repeats, but Tina Fey is on Letterman, and it’s the episode of Ferguson that they taped in Paris, if you’re so inclined.

Alcatraz (Fox) – I watched the premiere over the weekend, and I thought it was perfectly fine. A procedural with sci-fi elements, intriguing enough to watch a few more episodes. Needs more Hurley, though, and I have to remember that “Fringe” started slowly, too. If Sam Neill wants to bring one of his dinosaurs friends from Jurassic Park, that’s cool. BUT NO ONE FROM JURASSIC PARK III.

Castle (ABC) – The name of tonight’s episode is “An Embarrassment of Bitches.” That is the greatest bitch pun of all-time, taking over the spot previously held by “Revenge Is a Bitch Best Served Cold” from “Bad Girls Club.”

Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern (Travel Channel) – Season premiere. Wikipedia has very detailed episode descriptions for this show, in case you ever need to know the exact food Zimmern (whose last name I really want to be Zimmerman) ate on September 23, 2008. (Hint: it’s pickled mackerel.)

Hart of Dixie (CW) – I want every episode of this show to end with Rachel Bilson wearing hot pants and yelling to a crowd, “Who likes short shorts?” Then everyone responds, “We like short shorts.”

Hoarders (A&E) – You go over to a guy or girl’s house for the first time after you two have been hooking up at your place for a week. To pass the time while they’re freshening up, you put on the TV and look through what they’ve DVR’d. What show would the DVR have to be filled with for you to decide continuing a relationship with this person isn’t worth it? My answer: “Hoarders.” Hoarding “Hoarders” is just too meta for my taste.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Everything’s old, except for Kimmel, with Kiefer Sutherland and Bear Grylls; Conan, with Casey Anderson, Morena Baccarin, and Wilco; Stewart, with Kathleen Sebelius; and Colbert, with Bruce Bueno de Mesquita.

Archer (FX) – Over at the Uproxx mothership, we’ll be helping live blog tonight’s season three premiere, “The Man from Jupiter,” with Burnsy, Maske, and other special guests, perhaps? Excitement! Link here, and be there at 10 p.m. EST. I’m so excited that for tonight and tonight only: GUMMI BEARS ALL AROUND!

The rest of tonight’s programming – with some GIF assistance – after the jump.

American Idol (FOX) – I keep requesting, they keep not singing it:

30 Rock/Parks and Recreation/The Office/Up All Night (NBC) – I just want to GORGE on these shows (even “The Office,” which had its strongest episode of the season last week):

World’s Strongest Toddler (Discovery Fit & Health) – “Most Bad Ass,” too:

Unsupervised (FX) – Series premiere (post-“Archer”), about two teenagers getting by without parental supervision. Three “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” writers created it; Mac, Charlie, and Dennis, as well as Adam Reed (“Archer” creator), are producing it; and Kristen Bell, among others, does voice work. It’s at least worth a shot. But after so much quality TV, you might need a pick-me-up:

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kathy Griffin on Letterman; Wanda Sykes and Mark Cuban on Leno; Tom Arnold on Kimmel; Steven Wright on Ferguson; Ewan McGregor on Fallon; Gina Carano on Conan; Elizabeth Banks on Stewart; and Carrie Rebora Barratt on Colbert.

And here’s some awesome “Archer” cosplay, as Krieger and his Virtual Girlfriend:

(GIFs Via)