Michelle, if you're reading this, just know that I never hated Dawn.

Gossip Girl (CW) – My fiancée watches “Gossip Girl” (necessary disclaimer), and every season of the show is more nonsensical than the last. Meaning, it’s a Josh Schwartz series. Tonight, Leighton Meester gets married to a prince. Why? I have no idea. Prince of what? No clue. Is Michelle Trachtenberg involved? YES.

RuPaul’s Drag Race (Logo) – I’ve heard this is the greatest reality show ever (which is a bit like having the world’s smallest large-screen TV, to steal a line from Hank Azaria), from people who otherwise hate reality shows. On a dull Monday night, “Drag Race” might be your best option. I owe RuPaul as much, considering he was the first drag queen I ever knew by name and that’s not something you forget. Thanks, Brady Bunch Movie.

Fear Factor (NBC) – If I was working on a computer that didn’t track my online searches, I’d look into how many times the phrase “donkey semen” was Google’d last week, compared to any other week ever. You’d assume there’d be a major increase, but there are a lot of Germans out there, so who knows.

Fashion Police (E!) – Doesn’t it seem like Giuliana Rancic has been on E! for roughly 46 years now?

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (Food Network) – Our favorite bleach-blonde, greasy walrus makes “deep fried pork chops with sweet and spicy pepper jelly,” which is also how Guy likes his women.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jennifer Lopez and Rob Schneider on Letterman; Madonna, Chris Colfer, and Joe Perry on Leno; Marc Maron and Fishbone on Kimmel; Don Cheadle and Andrea Riseborough on Ferguson; Glenn Close, Emma Rossum, and Nada Surf on Fallon; Maya Rudolph and Chris Gethard on Conan; Lou Dobbs on Stewart; and Laurence H. Tribe on Colbert.

Parks and Recreation (NBC) – The Pawnee gang goes bowling. I feel like every sitcom has a bowling episode at some point. Sometimes they suck, like “Life on the Fast Lane,” but other times they’re a series high point, like the what-if “Bowling” episode of “Malcolm in the Middle.”

Archer (FX) – Malory institutes an ISIS drug-testing policy, and Archer and Lana welcome brand spankin’ new field agent Cyril (poor Gillette) to the jungle. Don’t forget to check out Uproxx’s “Archer” live blog at 10 p.m. EST. Will Kenny Loggins himself be there? I’m not saying he will…because he won’t. But we will!

30 Rock (NBC) – “Oh no, there’s two episodes of 30 Rock on tonight. What about The Office?” says no one.

Inside Comedy (Showtime) – Season premiere. If you liked HBO’s “Talking Funny,” which had Ricky Gervais, Jerry Seinfeld, Louis C.K., and Chris Rock talking about comedy, you’ll probably enjoy Showtime’s “Inside Comedy.” Host David Steinberg interviews Larry David, Mel Brooks, and some people who aren’t Jewish, and hopefully someone points out that “Nurse Jackie” and “The Big C” aren’t comedies.

Friday Night Lights (ESPN Classic) – “The Son.” Not new, but watch it and cry. Every chance you get.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Andre Agassi, J.B. Smoove, and Seal on Kimmel; Cuba Gooding Jr., Jon Heder, and They Might Be Giants on Conan; Tilda Swinton on Stewart; and Drew Barrymore (ew) on Colbert.

Justified (FX) – Carla Gugino is on tonight’s episode. After the events of last week, please be advised that the Boyd Crowder Hair Threat Level has been temporarily upgraded from Unruly to Partial Electrocution. (NOTE: I have attached six more promo shots of Carla Gugino’s appearance to this post. You are all quite welcome.)

State of the Union Address (Every channel) – Presidents always invite inspirational figures or people who overcame adversity and have them sit up in the box with the First Lady. If I was president, I would put a koala in a little tiny tuxedo up there. YOUR MOVE, POLITICAL OPPONENTS.

Southland (TNT) – Tonight’s episode features a guest spot by Marla Gibbs, who played Florence on “The Jeffersons.” This is as good a reason as any to link to this video of Sherman Hemsley dancing.

Chopped (Food Network) – Four previous runners-up have to incorporate root beer schnapps and sweetbreads into their dishes. FUN FACT: I am typing this sentence while making my icky face.

White Collar (USA) – Yesterday was Tiffani Thiessen’s birthday. I can’t believe Uproxx made me work. WHAT DO WE WANT? Holidays based on the birthdays of celebrities we used to have crushes on! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Preferably by Britney Spears’ birthday in early December!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Elizabeth Banks and Ben McKenzie (Ryan from “The O.C.”) on Kimmel, and Sam Worthington and a whip-cracking champion named Adam Winrich on Conan. Everyone else is in repeats, but Tina Fey is on Letterman, and it’s the episode of Ferguson that they taped in Paris, if you’re so inclined.

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Alcatraz (Fox) – I watched the premiere over the weekend, and I thought it was perfectly fine. A procedural with sci-fi elements, intriguing enough to watch a few more episodes. Needs more Hurley, though, and I have to remember that “Fringe” started slowly, too. If Sam Neill wants to bring one of his dinosaurs friends from Jurassic Park, that’s cool. BUT NO ONE FROM JURASSIC PARK III.

Castle (ABC) – The name of tonight’s episode is “An Embarrassment of Bitches.” That is the greatest bitch pun of all-time, taking over the spot previously held by “Revenge Is a Bitch Best Served Cold” from “Bad Girls Club.”

Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern (Travel Channel) – Season premiere. Wikipedia has very detailed episode descriptions for this show, in case you ever need to know the exact food Zimmern (whose last name I really want to be Zimmerman) ate on September 23, 2008. (Hint: it’s pickled mackerel.)

Hart of Dixie (CW) – I want every episode of this show to end with Rachel Bilson wearing hot pants and yelling to a crowd, “Who likes short shorts?” Then everyone responds, “We like short shorts.”

Hoarders (A&E) – You go over to a guy or girl’s house for the first time after you two have been hooking up at your place for a week. To pass the time while they’re freshening up, you put on the TV and look through what they’ve DVR’d. What show would the DVR have to be filled with for you to decide continuing a relationship with this person isn’t worth it? My answer: “Hoarders.” Hoarding “Hoarders” is just too meta for my taste.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Everything’s old, except for Kimmel, with Kiefer Sutherland and Bear Grylls; Conan, with Casey Anderson, Morena Baccarin, and Wilco; Stewart, with Kathleen Sebelius; and Colbert, with Bruce Bueno de Mesquita.

Archer (FX) – Over at the Uproxx mothership, we’ll be helping live blog tonight’s season three premiere, “The Man from Jupiter,” with Burnsy, Maske, and other special guests, perhaps? Excitement! Link here, and be there at 10 p.m. EST. I’m so excited that for tonight and tonight only: GUMMI BEARS ALL AROUND!

The rest of tonight’s programming – with some GIF assistance – after the jump.

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