Betty White’s Off Their Rocker (NBC) — If you’re tuning into NBC tonight to watch “Best Friends Forever,” don’t bother. It’s been pulled, and in its place, you can watch two episodes of Betty White’s prank show. Or you could shoot yourself in the face.

Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23 (ABC) — The only problem I’m finding so far with this show is that James Van Der Beek doesn’t get enough screen time. Honestly, the entire show should just be about Van Der Beek, his gay assistant, and their rollicking adventures on the deep blue sea.

Law and Order: SVU (NBC) — I would not normally recommend an “L&O” procedural, but tonight’s episode guest stars … James Van Der Beek. I hope he plays himself.

Modern Family (ABC) — “Modern Family” FINALLY returns tonight to finish out the season with a few new episodes. “Modern Family” should also bring on James Van Der Beek … as Manny’s murderer. Seriously, that kid is the worst. Manny couldn’t sell a line to Lindsay Lohan.

Survivor (CBS) — The show is down to one last man: Horrible, annoying Tarzan, who I’m sure the women will try to keep because he’s the perfect guy to take to the end because no one would ever vote to give him $1,000,0000. The other finalist could behead Jeff Probst, and she’d still win if she went to the end with Tarzan. For Christ’s Sake, he’s a plastic surgeon who calls himself Tarzan. Where do they find these a**holes?

Whitechapel (BBC American) — Anyone watch this show? Is it any good? I’m a sucker for great British cop shows, doubly so for one that stars “MI:5′s” Rupert Penry-Jones.

LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Letterman has Johnny Galecki, Leno has Scarlett Johansson, William H. Macy is on Kimmel, Angelica Huston is on Ferguson, Amy Poehler is on Fallon (that should e good), and Wingnut Senator, Tom Coburn, is on “The Daily Show.”

Cougar Town (ABC) – On tonight’s show, Julie finds out that Holly hooked up with Travis. Wait, what does hook up mean now? Because I mean they kissed a bunch, but I can never keep up with this stuff. For all I know, “hooked up” now refers to some deviant group sex act that kids do at parties and later text pictures of to their teachers and other Internet creeps. My point here is that teenagers should be kept in cages.

Glee/New Girl (FOX) – Justin Long guest stars on “New Girl.” I bet he and Zooey Deschanel told each other lots of stories about shilling for Apple products. “I was a Mac and made John Hodgman look like a boob,” “I asked my phone if it was raining while I was looking out the window at what was clearly rain falling from the sky,” and so on and so forth.

The L.A. Complex (CW) – Ever since I found out this show got the worst ratings ever, I have been fascinated by it. I vote we all watch it and see if we can cause a noticeable jump in the numbers.

Unforgettable (CBS) – From TV Guide: “Carrie’s nemesis, Walter Morgan, frames her for his own murder.” Sheesh. Walter is pretty serious about this nemesis business.

Jeff Dunham: Birth of a Dummy (BIO) – I sh-t you not, this is the name of the show. I know they’re trying to be cute, but I have chosen to take this at face value and find it hilarious.

Secrets of Bin Laden’s Lair (Discovery) – You know you’re a bad dude when they call your house a “lair.” Good guys don’t have lairs.

NBA Playoffs (TNT) – Bros. BROS. Have you seen all the promo spots TNT is running for “Franklin & Bash” during the playoffs? It’s totes coming back soon and this season looks mega-epic. UP TOP! [holds hand up for high five that never comes] Oo, sick burn, bro.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: The latest DWTS reject is on Kimmel; Seth Meyers and Krysten Ritter are on Letterman; Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Lennon Parham are on Ferguson; Cameron Diaz and William Shatner are on Leno; Mark Ruffalo and Mario Batali are on Fallon; and Sofia Vergara and Paul F. Tompkins are on a rerun of Conan

2 Broke Girls (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) – We often joke that Lori from “The Walking Dead” is the worst character on TV. This is a half-truth. She is terrible, but there’s someone worse: Peach from “2 Broke Girls,” an uptight socialite who named her kids Brad and Angelina. She’s in tonight’s episode, and you should only watch if you a) hate yourself and/or b) enjoy making double entendres having to do with peaches (“I’d like to brown her rot,” etc.).

How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.) – “Barney plans a road trip.” Watch out for unicorns.

The Pitch (AMC, 9 p.m.) – It’s ironic that the sneak previews, a.k.a. the ads, during last night’s “Mad Men” didn’t convince me to watch “The Pitch,” a show about advertising, right? Or is this an Alanis Morissette not-actual-irony situation? Either way: unless it’s got Megan Draper talking about beans, PASS.

Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9 p.m.) – Kathy Bates plays Charlie’s g-g-g-g-ghost. I would have expected better from the woman who played Squirrel Lady in Rat Race.

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel, 9 p.m.) – Anthony visits Lisbon, home of the “the centre of the republican coup of 5 October 1910 which established the democratic Portuguese Republic.” I definitely DIDN’T copy and paste that from Wikipedia due to my limited knowledge of Lisbon. Nope.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Don Rickles on Letterman; Steve Martin and Rashida Jones on Leno; Vanessa Williams and Andrew Bird on Kimmel; Jim Gaffigan on Ferguson; Chris Evans and Allison Williams on Fallon; Zach Wahls on Stewart; and Diane Keaton on Colbert

Community (NBC, 8 p.m.) – If you recall, last month we interviewed “Community” writer Megan Ganz, who based tonight’s “Law & Order” parody episode on “the Jack McCoy years, seasons four through eight.” So those hoping for an Anthony Anderson reference will be disappointed. Everyone else will love it.

NFL Draft (ESPN, 8 p.m.) – If the Carolina Panthers don’t draft Justin Blackmon (assuming he drops to #9, which he won’t) or Fletcher Cox, expect tomorrow’s GIF slideshow to feature nothing but people screaming/killing everyone. Until then, check out KSK’s NFL Draft live blog.

30 Rock (NBC, 8:30 p.m.) – Live from New York, it’s “30 Rock.” Doctors Baird and Spaceman will likely show up (OHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASE), and Donald Glover definitely will, but if you could choose one other recurring character to appear, who would it be? I really miss Cooter Burger.

Parks and Recreation (NBC, 9 p.m.) – Paul Rudd returns as Leslie’s opponent, Bobby Newport, in an episode written and directed by Amy Poehler. I want to be friends with both of them.

The Office (NBC, 9:30 p.m.) – “Nellie learns how to eat a taco.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is the greatest C-plot in the history of TV. Expect a shot-by-shot analysis tomorrow. I bet she likes hard-shell tacos. Because she’s terrible.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Robin Williams and Andrew Luck on Letterman; Diane Keaton on Leno; Emily Blunt on Kimmel; Toni Collette on Ferguson; Jason Segel and Leelee Sobieski on Fallon; Jack Black on Conan; Robert Draper on Stewart; and Jack White on Colbert.

Best Friends Forever (NBC) — The third of six episodes of this sitcom that will be canceled by the end of May. Here’s my hearty endorsement: “It’s an OK show.” — Dustin Rowles, Warming Glow

Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23 — You have got to be kidding me, ABC. After four reruns in five weeks, there’s ANOTHER RERUN of “Modern Family” tonight. No wonder the ratings are sinking. Anyway, Kiernan Shipka, who plays Sally Draper in “Mad Men” will be on the “Don’t Trust the B—-” tonight. I hope she reenacts this GIF.

Survivor (CBS) — “Survivor” is in that really boring part of the season where an alliance of around five or six just starts picking off everyone else until there’s no one left and they have to start picking off their own. I think there’s still two men left, so obviously the women’s alliance will pick off one of them.

Betty White: Off Their Rockers (NBC) — I’ve never seen a second of this show, but apparently it’s now one of NBC’s highest rated programs. I heard from someone else, however, that it starts to suck even before the opening credits end. I feel like Betty White deserves a better send-off into the afterlife than this.

Total Blackout (SyFy) — OK, this has to be the dumbest idea for a reality game show yet, but I absolutely have to see it. Jaleel White — Urkel from “Family Matters” — hosts a show in which a group of people are surrounded in complete darkness, afraid of obstacles and themselves. I can’t believe this show is real. Someone must have been, like: “Hey! Here’s an idea. Let’s get a group of people, put them in a room, and TURN OFF THE LIGHTS. We’ll get that nerdy kid from ‘Family Matters’ to host. It’ll be HUGE.”

LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Rob Lowe is on Dave, Adam Levine is on Leno, Schmidt from “New Girl” is on Kimmel, Phil Keoghan from “The Amazing Race” is on Ferguson, Fallon follows up a visit with the President with a visit from the entire cast of “30 Rock” (rehearsing their live show), and Jason Segel is on “The Daily Show.”