Justified (FX) – Carla Gugino is on tonight’s episode. After the events of last week, please be advised that the Boyd Crowder Hair Threat Level has been temporarily upgraded from Unruly to Partial Electrocution. (NOTE: I have attached six more promo shots of Carla Gugino’s appearance to this post. You are all quite welcome.)

State of the Union Address (Every channel) – Presidents always invite inspirational figures or people who overcame adversity and have them sit up in the box with the First Lady. If I was president, I would put a koala in a little tiny tuxedo up there. YOUR MOVE, POLITICAL OPPONENTS.

Southland (TNT) – Tonight’s episode features a guest spot by Marla Gibbs, who played Florence on “The Jeffersons.” This is as good a reason as any to link to this video of Sherman Hemsley dancing.

Chopped (Food Network) – Four previous runners-up have to incorporate root beer schnapps and sweetbreads into their dishes. FUN FACT: I am typing this sentence while making my icky face.

White Collar (USA) – Yesterday was Tiffani Thiessen’s birthday. I can’t believe Uproxx made me work. WHAT DO WE WANT? Holidays based on the birthdays of celebrities we used to have crushes on! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Preferably by Britney Spears’ birthday in early December!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Elizabeth Banks and Ben McKenzie (Ryan from “The O.C.”) on Kimmel, and Sam Worthington and a whip-cracking champion named Adam Winrich on Conan. Everyone else is in repeats, but Tina Fey is on Letterman, and it’s the episode of Ferguson that they taped in Paris, if you’re so inclined.

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NCIS (CBS) — Bob Newhart guest stars. Whoa whoa whoa. An old person? On CBS? Am I reading this right?

White Collar (USA) — Winter premiere. The people who tell me I should watch “White Collar” have to be some of the most bored people in America. “You should watch it. It’s actually pretty good for what it is.” Oh, what a tantalizing description! Sign me up to spend an hour watching this blandly handsome white man!

Life Unexpected (CW) — Series finale. Calling it a “series finale” is a nice way of saying “no one watched it for two seasons and it’s not getting renewed.”

Parenthood (NBC) — Dax Shepard was on “Conan” last night. Dax Shepard should never be on anything ever.

Southland (TNT) — I gave this a shot for the first time since it started airing on TNT, and you know what? I actually kind of enjoyed it. It’s not as formulaic as most cop shows, and I like the way that it’s shot. Or maybe I just have a crush on Ryan from “The O.C.” Who can say?

Bizarre Food with Andrew Zimmern (Travel) — Season premiere. I don’t think I’ve ever said anything about this show except some variation of “Andrew Zimmern eats genitals.” But seriously, that dude eats a lot of genitals.

Yeesh. That’s a pretty boring night, so here’s a dog walking three other dogs:

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