The other day on “The View,” while interviewing Claire Danes about whatever the hell Claire Danes is up to, Whoopi Goldberg farted on live television. In a post that I refuse to link to out of principle, titled “Whoopi Goldberg Rips LOUD Fart On ‘The View,’” TMZ handled the situation with the quiet grace they’ve become known for:

Whoopi “Cushion” Goldberg strikes again — tearing ass this morning on “The View” so loudly … she nearly put a hole in her seat.

[bangs head on desk]

You know what? No. I’m not talking about this. I know as a TV blogger I’m supposed to talk about funny, newsworthy stories, but… I have a LAW DEGREE. I passed the bar exam. I mean, I’ll cover stories about those dopes on “Jersey Shore,” and I’ll occasionally post about the Kardashians, but there is no way — NO WAY — I’m discussing the merits of a story by the jamooks at TMZ about Whoopi Goldberg farting on television. Not today at least. I don’t have it in me. Instead, here is a video of a penguin fetching the newspaper.

Have a blessed day.

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Best Supporting Actress Academy Award winner (for 1995′s Theodore Rex) Whoopi Goldberg shocked middling housewives and gay guys who didn’t have to go to work when she sympathized with Charlie Sheen by explaining how she was once so hopped up on goofballs that she took a crap in her bed to keep monsters from killing her.  Is it weird that Theodore Rex is the only joke in this paragraph?

She pooped and pissed herself into sobriety.  So that’s your pleasant image for the day.  A cracked-out, mid-90s Whoopsie Goldberg in the fourth day of a bed-in, caked in her own refuse, scared to go film her cameo as Buckwheat’s Mom in the Little Rascals movie because the floor is lava.  I hope that when her roommate found her, she busted out some form of “you sho’ is ugly.”

(Watch the video, or better yet, for the love of God don’t below)

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To make amends for the controversial walk-out two weeks ago, Bill O’Reilly went back to “The View” in costume for Halloween, and Whoopi Goldberg settled the score with him by interrupting the discussion with the world’s longest fart. True story.

(For people who don’t enjoy my version of reality, this video was taken from O’Reilly’s appearance on “The View” last year. Thanks to Vadim for the delightful edit.)

If you’re reading this blog, you’re almost certainly familiar with the ongoing Mel Gibson chronicles. But in case you haven’t been following FilmDrunk’s excellent coverage, Gibson has expanded his previous “sugartits/Jew-blaming” policy to include liberal use of the N-word and C-word, referring to Mexicans as “wetbacks,” and very specific and vehement demands for fellatio.

Yet Whoopi Goldberg, whom Mel Gibson could very easily call the N-Word and the C-word (he also might accuse her of controlling the banks because of her last name), stuck up for Gibson on “The View.”

“I know Mel, and I know he’s not a racist,” Whoopi said on ‘The View’ on Monday, seeming both earnest and cautious to weigh in. “I have had a long friendship with Mel. You can say he’s being a bonehead, but I can’t sit and say that he’s a racist having spent time with him in my house with my kids. I don’t like what he’s done, make no mistake.”

When Joy Behar asked if Goldberg considered Gibson anti-Semitic after his 2006 tirade against a Jewish police officer in LA , Goldberg began calling him “an ass” before stifling herself. Whoopi then pinpointed alcohol as the culprit. “Drunks say stupid stuff to people all the time — because they’re drunk, they’re out of control, they are not thinking, they are idiotic. I can’t say anything about people like that because I know what they’re like when they’re drunk. This rant? I don’t think he’s drunk on this rant.”

Whoopi concluded: “I’m not defending Mel. I’m simply saying I don’t see him as [a racist] because that’s not been my experience with him.” [Popeater]

Well, I think that’s a real feather in Mel’s cap. He doesn’t call black people “n***er” to their face.

So, this Roman Polanski guy’s been in the news a bit, eh? If you’re just catching up, in 1977 the then-43-year-old director photographed a 13-year-old girl nude, gave her booze and quaaludes, then anally raped her. This is all part of the public record. But he’s made some really good movies and that was a long time ago, so just chill out everybody. Hell, give Whoopi Goldberg another couple minutes, and she’ll probably tell you that that little slut was asking for it by being so sexy in the first place. Whoopi on “The View” yesterday:

I know it wasn’t rape-rape… All I’m trying to get you to understand, is when we’re talking about what someone did, and what they were charged with, we have to say what it actually was not what we think it was…

We’re a different kind of society. We see things differently. The world sees 13-year olds and 14-year olds in the rest of Europe… not everybody agrees with the way we see things…”

Would I want my 14-year-old having sex with somebody? Not necessarily.

See, according to Whoopi, there are certain times when it’s okay for 13-year-olds and 14-year-olds to have sex. Like if the other person is a famous movie director who’s three decades older. Our children’s sexual experiences should be limited to only the best drug-haze anal raping.

[WWTDD]