Richard and Mayumi Heene, the “Wife Swap” alumni who orchestrated the Balloon Boy hoax in October, were sentenced to jail last week. Both received four years of probation, while Dick got 90 days (of which 60 will be work-release) and mama-san got 20. Unfortunately, Christmas will come a little late this year, as the jail terms don’t begin until January 11th :(

David Lane, Richard Heene’s attorney, said he thought Schapanski delivered fair and “thoughtful” sentences but nonetheless questioned whether the rulings — especially the jail sentence imposed on Mayumi Heene for a first offense — mistook vengeance for justice. [Denver Post]

Wait. Are vengeance and justice not the same thing? *puts away pipe bomb*

Lane also said the restitution requirement [which could be $47,000 or more] would be difficult for the Heenes to uphold. As part of the sentence, the Heenes are barred from making money off the hoax.

I’ve got a foolproof plan for them to be able to pay the restitution that I think will be satisfactory for everyone. They have life insurance, right?

“Balloon boy” was found alive, as CNN reports, which left a lot of us wondering if this was a hoax costing taxpayers a buttload of cash.  The answer is probably yes:

Wolf Blitzer: Did he hear you screaming out “Falcon, Falcon”?
Richard Heene: Um, he’s asking us, Falcon, did you hear us calling your name at any time?  You did?  Why didn’t you come out?
Falcon Heene: You guys said that we did this for the show.

Then just watch the parents squirm and backpeddle.  Ah, schadenfreude, my old friend, we meet again.

[via buzzfeed]

UPDATE: Video got pulled. Instead, enjoy this music video about the Heene boys being “not pussified” from the same episode of “Wife Swap.” (via Buzzfeed)

Holy crap! I go offline for 90 minutes to interact with other human beings, and the Internet gets taken over by a six-year-old boy named Falcon floating thousands of feet in the air over Colorado — which, according to people near TVs, has already come crashing to earth (with no six-year-old boy inside, so it’s either a hoax or he’s dead).

Anyway, in case you’re wondering if the child floating in a balloon alone 8000 feet in the air is the result of responsible parenting, I direct you to this clip from an episode of “Wife Swap” last year, in which the boy’s father, a storm chaser, goes off the rails in a clash with a replacement mother who cares about some gay-ass subject called “safety.” Whatever that is.

UPDATE X 2: Bonus insanity below!
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Remember the “Bacon is good for me!” kid from “Wife Swap”? Of course you do, there hasn’t been someone so annoying about being correct since that cop said my alcohol is why I ran a red light and hit a pedestrian. And now it’s been remixed into a fun little song with cool accompanying images. And get this: NO AUTO-TUNE! It’s the Internet remix surprise of the year. Although now that I mention it… I kinda wanna see what Auto-Tune the News can do with this.

[Buzzfeed]

So, here’s the clip from “Wife Swap” that’s surging all over the Internet: a tubby little jackass gets pissed off that his health-conscious replacement mom throws away his bacon. And while the kid has a point — you do NOT throw away bacon! — he’s a fat whiny chump with a stupid haircut, and the mom is a sexy lady with a big rack. Winner: the hot mom. I’d let her throw away my bacon as long as she… ya know… take your pick of meat innuendos: pork sword, roast beef curtains, sausage, tube steak, furburger, etc. And don’t forget hair pie for dessert.

[Buzzfeed]

I don’t watch “Wife Swap” because the title describes something that should be way more sexy than the reality of the show, so I missed the recent episode in which the liberal-elite Stephen Fowler of San Francisco traded his life-coach wife for Gayla Long, a well-meaning Missouri simpleton. Fowler, a British expatriate, brow-beat Long to the point of tears, calling her dumb, fat, uneducated, and so on. He also managed to insult almost every subset of American culture and come off as an ignorant, elitist prick.

The resulting fallout from Fowler being King Dickhead of North America has forced him to apologize, and his wife admitted that he needed “professional help.” Yeah, professional help caving in his skull with a claw hammer.

Wait. Did I just offer to kill him for money? So I did. That was a mistake. I’ll do it for free.