Remember the “Bacon is good for me!” kid from “Wife Swap”? Of course you do, there hasn’t been someone so annoying about being correct since that cop said my alcohol is why I ran a red light and hit a pedestrian. And now it’s been remixed into a fun little song with cool accompanying images. And get this: NO AUTO-TUNE! It’s the Internet remix surprise of the year. Although now that I mention it… I kinda wanna see what Auto-Tune the News can do with this.

[Buzzfeed]

So, here’s the clip from “Wife Swap” that’s surging all over the Internet: a tubby little jackass gets pissed off that his health-conscious replacement mom throws away his bacon. And while the kid has a point — you do NOT throw away bacon! — he’s a fat whiny chump with a stupid haircut, and the mom is a sexy lady with a big rack. Winner: the hot mom. I’d let her throw away my bacon as long as she… ya know… take your pick of meat innuendos: pork sword, roast beef curtains, sausage, tube steak, furburger, etc. And don’t forget hair pie for dessert.

[Buzzfeed]

I don’t watch “Wife Swap” because the title describes something that should be way more sexy than the reality of the show, so I missed the recent episode in which the liberal-elite Stephen Fowler of San Francisco traded his life-coach wife for Gayla Long, a well-meaning Missouri simpleton. Fowler, a British expatriate, brow-beat Long to the point of tears, calling her dumb, fat, uneducated, and so on. He also managed to insult almost every subset of American culture and come off as an ignorant, elitist prick.

The resulting fallout from Fowler being King Dickhead of North America has forced him to apologize, and his wife admitted that he needed “professional help.” Yeah, professional help caving in his skull with a claw hammer.

Wait. Did I just offer to kill him for money? So I did. That was a mistake. I’ll do it for free.