Elephant in the Room (Comedy Central) — Patrice O’Neal’s stand-up special will air at 8 p.m. and again, uncensored, at midnight. People, do NOT mess with diabetes.

Psych (USA) — William Shatner guest stars. Shatner looks like someone with diabetes, right?

I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox) — Series premiere. The buzz for the Jaime Pressly comedy is almost universally negative, and its odd debut date — late in the fall season instead of midseason — suggests that Fox doesn’t have high hopes for it, either.

Hot in Cleveland/The Exes (TV Land) — Season/series debuts. “Hot in Cleveland” has somehow made it to a third season, while Kristen Johnston (“3rd Rock from the Sun”) stars in the new comedy about a divorce attorney who lives across the hall from three divorced guys (Wayne Knight, Donald Faison, and David Alan Basche).

Ricochet (TNT) — A TNT original film starring John Corbett, Gary Cole (Office Space), and Warming Glow favorite Julie Benz. That cast legitimately does not suck.

American Horror Story (FX) — Mena Suvari guest stars as 1940s murder victim “the Black Dahlia,” which has conveniently been co-opted for “AHS’s” salacious purposes. My point is, I would love to grab Mena Suvari’s ass.

The X Factor (Fox) — The seven remaining contestants sing Michael Jackson songs in an attempt to tarnish the King of Pop’s legacy more than his habit of touching children.

Christmas in Rockefeller Center (NBC) — The 79th annual tree-lighting ceremony kicks off the season of infuriating pedestrian gridlock between 5th and 6th Avenues and 46th and 50th Streets.

Thanks for reading, everybody. Come back tomorrow (and the next day/week/month/year) to enjoy your talented new staff of writers. I’ll see you in the comments section.

The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen was last night, and if you didn’t watch it, you must not share my love of jokes about hookers and spousal abuse. Jeffrey Ross, Anthony Jeselnik, and Amy Schumer turned in the best performances, while the lamest sets belonged to Jon Lovitz and Steve-O.

Here are most of my favorite jokes from the roast. It’s not a complete list because I was drinking and I got tired of pausing the TV to write stuff down. And it’s almost certainly not 50 jokes; that’s just a number that was nice and round and catchy for SEO purposes. AND NOW YOU KNOW THE UGLY TRUTH ABOUT BLOGGING.

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As I’ve said before, the Nyan Cat meme doesn’t particularly appeal to me, but this video of the “Star Trek” crew encountering the 8-bit poptart space cat made me chuckle. There’s just something about William Shatner’s dramatic reaction and Leonard Nimoy’s subtle eyebrow raise that gives the silly little animation some gravity. At the same time, it makes “Star Trek” more enjoyable for me than ever before. I guess the show just needed more cats.

That’s why I’d make a great studio executive. My notes for every TV show would be a sheet of loose leaf paper with a single handwritten demand: “MORE CATS.”

[gabrielramos via bunnyfood]

BOWLING! BOWLING HERE!

William Shatner has made a second career out of dramatic readings of songs and Sarah Palin speeches, and last night he appeared on “Conan” to read the lyrics to Rihanna’s “Umbrella.” The performance was part of a “romantic” dinner for two hobbits who won a Valentine’s Day appearance on the show. Video below.

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William Shatner was a guest on George Lopez’s show last night, and for one reason or another — a nod to his show “$%^ My Dad Says,” I suppose — he sang Cee-Lo Green’s viral hit “F**k You.” Well, “sang” isn’t quite the right word. It’s more of a spoken-word lyrical interpretation. Not quite as good as Shatner’s epic version of “Rocket Man,” but then, what is?

Video below. And in case you’ve never heard Cee-Lo’s original version of the song, don’t worry, Grandpa, I included that video too.

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