Elephant in the Room (Comedy Central) — Patrice O’Neal’s stand-up special will air at 8 p.m. and again, uncensored, at midnight. People, do NOT mess with diabetes.

Psych (USA) — William Shatner guest stars. Shatner looks like someone with diabetes, right?

I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox) — Series premiere. The buzz for the Jaime Pressly comedy is almost universally negative, and its odd debut date — late in the fall season instead of midseason — suggests that Fox doesn’t have high hopes for it, either.

Hot in Cleveland/The Exes (TV Land) — Season/series debuts. “Hot in Cleveland” has somehow made it to a third season, while Kristen Johnston (“3rd Rock from the Sun”) stars in the new comedy about a divorce attorney who lives across the hall from three divorced guys (Wayne Knight, Donald Faison, and David Alan Basche).

Ricochet (TNT) — A TNT original film starring John Corbett, Gary Cole (Office Space), and Warming Glow favorite Julie Benz. That cast legitimately does not suck.

American Horror Story (FX) — Mena Suvari guest stars as 1940s murder victim “the Black Dahlia,” which has conveniently been co-opted for “AHS’s” salacious purposes. My point is, I would love to grab Mena Suvari’s ass.

The X Factor (Fox) — The seven remaining contestants sing Michael Jackson songs in an attempt to tarnish the King of Pop’s legacy more than his habit of touching children.

Christmas in Rockefeller Center (NBC) — The 79th annual tree-lighting ceremony kicks off the season of infuriating pedestrian gridlock between 5th and 6th Avenues and 46th and 50th Streets.

Thanks for reading, everybody. Come back tomorrow (and the next day/week/month/year) to enjoy your talented new staff of writers. I’ll see you in the comments section.

The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen was last night, and if you didn’t watch it, you must not share my love of jokes about hookers and spousal abuse. Jeffrey Ross, Anthony Jeselnik, and Amy Schumer turned in the best performances, while the lamest sets belonged to Jon Lovitz and Steve-O.

Here are most of my favorite jokes from the roast. It’s not a complete list because I was drinking and I got tired of pausing the TV to write stuff down. And it’s almost certainly not 50 jokes; that’s just a number that was nice and round and catchy for SEO purposes. AND NOW YOU KNOW THE UGLY TRUTH ABOUT BLOGGING.

Seth MacFarlane: “Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood, but with all the porn stars you’ve banged, I’m guessing it’s just Tiger Woods’s blood.”

MacFarlane: ”He’s the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis.”

Kate Walsh to Anthony Jeselnik: ”That embarrassing nasty parasite on your penis is Amy Schumer. And there is no cure.”

Walsh: “I’m so, so happy to see that William Shatner is here, because a medical colleague had told me that you’d passed on. I said, ‘Bullsh*t. You ever seen his resume? Shatner’s never passed on anything.’”

Walsh to Sheen: “Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver… the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.”

Jeff Ross: ”Friends, roasters, enablers… lend Mike Tyson your ears.”

Ross: “This lineup is so pathetic, I was hoping I’d get replaced by Ashton Kutcher.”

Ross: “This is hard. How do you roast a meltdown?”

Ross: ”Charlie’s nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them the Hilton sisters.”

Ross: ”Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.”

Ross: to Sheen: ”If you’re winning this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in re-runs. Don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?”

Ross: “Anthony Jeselnik, some people are saying you’re the next Greg Giraldo. Let’s hope so.”

Ross: ”Brooke Mueller, what’s up? She’s not very bright unless Charlie’s throwing a lamp at her.”

Ross to Mike Tyson: “Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex-wives.”

MacFarlane introducing Mike Tyson: “He’s a guy who’s beaten every opponent he’s gone against — except the letter S.”

Jeselnik: ”Kate Walsh, I don’t watch that stupid show you’re on, but I do find it interesting you have your own perfume. For that special lady who wants to smell like who gives a f*ck.”

Jeselnik: ”Steve-O is trying stand-up comedy. I actually saw you perform at the Comedy Cellar, and here’s some free advice: don’t give up your suicide.”

Jeselnik: to Sheen: ”The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.”

Jeselnik to Sheen: ”Every minute of your life looks like the first two minutes of SVU.”

Steve-O: ”Some people know Kate Walsh as a television actress. Most people don’t know her at all.”

Mike Tyson: “As the Bard once said, ‘All the world’s a stage.’ And Charlie’s been booed off them all.”

Amy Schumer to Sheen: ”There’s no denying how famous you are. It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you, your daughters.”

Schumer: “William Shatner, I’ve seen less bloated men fished out of rivers… Does Priceline pay you in empanadas?”

Schumer to Sheen: “You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the ’80s, and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”

Shatner after being introduced by MacFarlane: ”Keep it going for Chaz Bono.”

Shatner to Sheen: “I know another famous guy who was nice to whores and kept 12 losers around, and he got crucified by Jews! And people worship that guy!”

Shatner to Sheen: ”Hasn’t anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free?”

Shatner, referencing an auction where he sold a kidney stone for $75,000: “I synthesized uric acid and calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for Habitat for Humanity. Who’s the warlock now, bitch?”

Charlie Sheen: “Kate Walsh , I don’t know anyone who watches your show, because I date women who still get their period.”

As I’ve said before, the Nyan Cat meme doesn’t particularly appeal to me, but this video of the “Star Trek” crew encountering the 8-bit poptart space cat made me chuckle. There’s just something about William Shatner’s dramatic reaction and Leonard Nimoy’s subtle eyebrow raise that gives the silly little animation some gravity. At the same time, it makes “Star Trek” more enjoyable for me than ever before. I guess the show just needed more cats.

That’s why I’d make a great studio executive. My notes for every TV show would be a sheet of loose leaf paper with a single handwritten demand: “MORE CATS.”

[gabrielramos via bunnyfood]

BOWLING! BOWLING HERE!

William Shatner has made a second career out of dramatic readings of songs and Sarah Palin speeches, and last night he appeared on “Conan” to read the lyrics to Rihanna’s “Umbrella.” The performance was part of a “romantic” dinner for two hobbits who won a Valentine’s Day appearance on the show. Video below.

As much as I like Conan, I recommend skipping through the first 4:30 or so of the video until Shatner appears. Get your laugh from the way he says the “ella, ay, ay, ay” lyric, then turn it off. You’ve got better things to do. Like, your computer has Minesweeper, right?

William Shatner was a guest on George Lopez’s show last night, and for one reason or another — a nod to his show “$%^ My Dad Says,” I suppose — he sang Cee-Lo Green’s viral hit “F**k You.” Well, “sang” isn’t quite the right word. It’s more of a spoken-word lyrical interpretation. Not quite as good as Shatner’s epic version of “Rocket Man,” but then, what is?

Video below. And in case you’ve never heard Cee-Lo’s original version of the song, don’t worry, Grandpa, I included that video too.

Cee-Lo’s video:

[via BuzzFeed]

CBS’s “$#*! My Dad Says” has been in the news a lot, from the twitter feed that serves as its inspiration, to the casting of William Shatner as the titular dad, to bleeping the swear word instead of using the word “Stuff,” to the outrage the Parents Television Council expressed over the bleep. It’ll continue to be a buzzworthy show until it debuts in the fall.

The video below offers a first look at “$#*!” — and yes, that’s how CBS is “spelling” it — and I know that the cool thing to do is praise Shatner because he’s awesome, but I can’t help but feel that he’s miscast here. The role of the dad needed to be one of the all-time cranks, like Bryan Cox or Rip Torn or Albert Finney or Walter Matthau or drunk Orson Welles (what’s that? Matthau and Welles are dead? Well then, they’re probably crankier than ever).

Shatner has a gleeful pompous charm that’s irrepressible. It made for wonderful scenery-chewing with James Spader in “Boston Legal,” but he sanitizes Justin Halpern’s cranky, profane father to the point of sitcom stereotype. Which is probably exactly what CBS wants.

[via Wired]

I don’t think I’ve ever had a reason to post a clip from “Lopez Tonight” before, unless it was to detail how much George Lopez’s alleged “comedy” doesn’t appeal to me. But even a wizened old Internet cynic like me can’t hate on this magical union of Internet icons: William Shatner paired with Lin Yu Chun (the Taiwanese kid with the Whitney Houston pipes and breakdancing skills) to sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Watch the video below, and experience the magic.

… and for three minutes, the Internet was a nicer place. Computer screens glowed warmer. You could feel the fur in cat pictures. Pornography was almost romantic. And maybe somewhere, on a lonely blog few know about, a commenter wrote something sincere.

There’s a new Priceline “Negotiator” commercial starring William Shatner, and in this one King Shat also plays his own evil twin (you can tell he’s evil because he has a goatee and a skull ring on his pinkie — video below). In it, the Rip Torn-lookin’ Evil Shatner is giving bad advice to a man booking online travel plans when Good Shatner busts through the wall and saves the day. As AdFreak noted, the first YouTube commenter scored a win with this bon mot:

Is he really the “good” twin? After all, he did just cut a hole in the side of that guy’s house to tell him that he could save $80.

This is kind of getting away from the point, but Shatner and Rip Torn were born six weeks apart in 1931. Not only do I want them to play evil goateed brothers in a movie, I want that movie to be The Evil Bucket List. It’d just be two hours of them getting drunk and high and pistol-whipping smart-mouthed teens and stranding hookers in the desert.

Here you go, here’s my $12, I’m watching that on opening night.

William Shatner has been confirmed to play the titular character in the television adaption of Sh*t My Dad Says, the popular Twitter feed that was picked up by CBS in November.

The casting of Shatner lifts the contingency on CBS’ multicamera family comedy project based on the Twitter account, which has enlisted more than 1.16 million followers since launching in August and has made its creator, Justin Halpern, an Internet star.

The pilot, executive produced by “Will & Grace” creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick, was originally set up at CBS with a script commitment in November. Now, with Shatner on board, it has been greenlighted to pilot. [THR, via Screen Junkies]

Obviously, this is awesome. The world is a richer place with more Shatner. That’s why I put so many Shatners in the Photoshop above. I call it… “Shatkkake.” I expect it to bring in some new readers via Google search.

On Friday night’s episode of “The Tonight Show,” Conan O’Brien brought out William Shatner to read excerpts from Sarah Palin’s book, Going Rogue: How I Got Rich and Famous Even Though I’m Not Very Bright. (Shatner previously read Palin’s resignation speech and excerpts from Levi Johnston’s Twitter feed, which was later determined to be fake.)

The clip was enjoyable though unremarkable until Sarah Palin walked on stage, surprising even cynical ol’ me. She then read excerpts from Shatner’s autobiography while Shatner looked at her with lustful, watery eyes. As they walked off hand in hand, I said, “Man, he is gonna wear that ass OUT when they get back stage.” Then I laughed at my joke. Then I pictured Shatner and Palin getting it on, and I got grossed out. Then I pictured it some more and decided, hey, maybe I should be turned on instead.