There’s a never-ending — and problematic — discussion about the “best show on television.” In my mind, the best television show is the one that’s superior to all others in terms of narrative arc, character development, writing, cinematography, acting, originality, and so on. You know: the best. However, a lot of critics seem to think the “best” means “my favorite,” which is the only possible excuse for the egregious, putrid, and moronic claims you’re about to read.

Because there are certain shows that are okay to call the best: “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad,” certainly. “Friday Night Lights” and “Parks and Recreation,” sure, those aren’t unreasonable opinions. “Community” and “Louie”? Totally defensible. Everyone, of course, is entitled to their opinion—but not if they claim that “Chuck” is better than “Justified.” There’s a line. There are certain shows — some good, some truly awful — that various critics and bloggers have deemed to be the Best Show on Television. On the following pages are ten of the worst selections, with excerpted quotes to damn them.

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Wipeout (ABC) — If I had any notion of what’s newsworthy, I’d be leading with the premiere of “The Real World” or “The Philanthropist.” Instead, here’s a picture of Jill Wagner from “Wipeout” (click for bigger).  I’m shallow!

The Philanthropist (NBC) — This eight-episode summer series is about a super-rich guy who goes to Africa and does nice things for poor people.  Word on the street: eh.

The Real World: Cancun (MTV) — At last, the 22nd season finally begins.  If you must watch, please put condoms over your eyes.  You can never be too safe these days.

I Survived a Japanese Game Show (ABC) — I’d rather see a show about World War II vets called “I Survived a Japanese Machine Gun Emplacement.”

Monsters Inside Me (Animal Planet) — Series premiere takes a closer look at dangerous parasites.  The monsters inside me tell me to strangle hobos.

Extreme Wild Parties (Travel) — Not featured: me having a fourth glass of bourbon while I check my email at 11:00 p.m.

Tattoo Highway (A&E) — Yup, nothin’ speaks to the grandeur of the American frontier like gettin’ a tattoo on the open road.  It’s Kerouac for a new generation.